Sober Toolbox 9: Dear Me
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Photo Credit: Álvaro Serrano @alvaroserrano
Dear Sobertown.
The passage of adequate time allows the accumulation of our actions to present their result in our lives, this result can be distinctly different depending on these cumulative actions, wildly different. One year in our lives is a steadfast duration at which to set an anchor in time to assess our short to mid-term goals and their results. Assessing the real change we have created in our actual life is an important exercise, however, we can with remarkable accuracy predict where we will be in our life depending on our actions, that is depending on whether we do or do not perform our certain daily actions we will see highly variable outcomes after one year.
Sobertown, one simple and recurring concept from me is this, small daily actions lead to great long term outcomes. Examples: Deposit $1o into a savings tin every week and do not waiver from this and you can be sure that at the one year mark you will have $520 (most years and as long as nobody sneaks cash out of the tin). Some concepts are concrete in their result such as the previous example, some are more variable such as fitness or health goals, however, variable or not, the result can still be predicted in a very meaningful way and the difference in outcome may be comparable to somebody sneaking a bit of cash from the tin here or there, in health this might be bad sleep or poor eating detracting from training results, but performing the training will still lead to a good outcome with some variation depending on the external factors. Yes, I do bring everything back to training because this is my field. Maintaining sobriety may have a slightly variable outcome but I can say this, variable or not, the outcome will be massive improvements in many aspects of life, you can count on that.
This toolbox item is one which has been floating around for a very long time and is common in the process of quitting alcohol.
This tool allows us to ponder how we could be, how we want to be in one year after living our life alcohol-free. This also allows us to assess the devastating results a continued alcohol-fuelled lifestyle will likely have on our future.
Please, if you are early in the planning phase of leaving alcohol behind, use this tool. If you are well into your sober journey you can complete this tool from the perspective of your past self, both are valid and effective standpoints to complete this exercise from. Write it on paper, invest in its creation and complete it from the heart. This one can be emotional and at the same time it can be freeing.
THE TOOL IS THIS
Write two letters to yourself.
Letter 1: Write to yourself as your future self-one year from now from the perspective of you having successfully lived alcohol free for the whole year. How might you feel? What goals might you have achieved? How proud are you? What doors might this open for you?
Letter 2: Write yourself a letter from the perspective of you after continuing to drink the same amount as you currently do or more having not made change in your habits. Include how you truly feel about yourself when you drink and how you would feel if things progressed for an entire year into the future.
Read back over these letters to see how much this future truly means to you.
Refer back to these letters when you need to reinforce the importance of your journey and need help to stay on track.
I will provide examples below which relate to how I feel under both of the scenarios I listed, these need to be from your heart. These letters are for you and they need only be for your eyes, unless you feel that sharing them is something you think might help you now or further down the track. Add specifics and people and names wherever you can, this is you communicating with you, from two different perspectives.
Letter 1:
Dear X,
I just finished the busiest week at work to date and I feel completely fine, I can tell I am exhausted, but instead of it being painful and uncomfortable, agitated deep fatigue it just feels satisfying. I used to dread fully booked work weeks, I never thought I would actually want to be as busy as I am, but here I am and I do and since I have been so busy the business owner has encouraged me to keep going with a bonus system so I can see the benefit of being so busy, I didn't even have to ask for it! Quitting alcohol was one of the best things I have ever done.
I have been exercising almost every day for months now and I no longer find it a struggle, I look forward to it, I worked out a schedule which allows me to get in two rides a week, and a gym session most other days and still have lots of family time free. I actually get home from work after the longest days and I still have the drive and energy to exercise, sometimes only just, but I never would have at all when I was drinking alcohol. Quitting alcohol was one of the best things I have ever done.
My blood pressure is no longer high, and my resting heart rate is far lower, especially overnight, I didn't realise it was only alcohol causing these problems. I have been hitting personal bests on the bike and I can now perform physical abilities that I never thought I would reach in the gym. I feel great physically. Would you believe this year I have felt so much more motivated, my creativity is through the roof and I can rely on myself to be ready to go on a weekend so much that I set up a small business from home and it is just starting to show profit after a very short period after I finished setting it up. I can bite off a huge amount more than I used to be able to and I can rely on myself to follow through and to do an exceptional job no matter what it is that I am doing. Quitting alcohol was one of the best things I have ever done.
I have been spending so much less money since you gave up alcohol a year ago and my income has risen as a direct result of being alcohol free. I have saved over 10 thousand this year through money saved and through all of the increased productivity and I bought us a camper, were really excited now planning family trips to the beach with a fire and our hammock and the open air and the family is really getting into it, it’s nice to have so much to look forward to. Quitting alcohol was on of the best things I have ever done.
I look at my home and my yard now and I feel pride, I feel satisfaction and I can truly appreciate how lucky I am and how hard I have worked to be where I am. I can now look at all of my achievement and my possessions with fresh eyes and instead of seeing the imperfections, I now see the positives and I appreciate rather than want more and focus on the negative. I see the world through a whole new lens, the same life and the same home is viewed in a completely different light these days to what it used to be. Quitting alcohol was one of the best things I have ever done.
As you know, me, I am prone to feelings of depression and anxiety when things are even slightly tough and often for no reason at all, but to be completely honest I am so calm and level and mentally tough now that I have such a good hold of my healthy lifestyle that even when I have a bad day, or bad sleep I can still deal with it and feel fairly good and when I experience any emotion I can see it is for a reason such as poor sleep or difficult social interaction unlike in the past when I might feel something completely irrational or unexplainable, I can see that my capacity to tolerate hardship or deal with life’s blows is far greater now. It is so nice not to be in the grip of depressive thoughts, I feel like my mind has been toughened and armoured, when things go wrong I do not even think about drinking anymore, I feel far too good to consider that as an option. Quitting alcohol was one of the best things I have ever done.
Mostly though, I am so proud to be whole, present and everything to my daughter and my wife. I have another little girl about to enter my life in a matter of weeks and I am so proud of you for giving up alcohol one year ago, I am now going to welcome my daughter into the world with every atom in my body devoted to giving her what she needs of me. I am proud of you and my family is so proud of you. Quitting alcohol was one of the best things I have ever done.
I am so proud of you for sticking with the tough weeks and staying alcohol free a year ago, because I am now a far better version of myself, I am calm, level, satisfied, happy, fit, I have money and most importantly I am a great father. I am present for my wife and kids and do not ever need to worry about feeling terrible by my own doing and losing a single minute of precious time with them. Thank you for the change you made a year ago, it was the best thing you ever did.
Letter 2:
Dear X,
I am struggling still, I survived work today, but I hate it, I can't handle the basic workload and I feel like shit, I thought I liked my job, I try to like my job but I just feel like I hate it more and more, I think I just hate work in general it wouldn't matter what it was. I feel like I deserve more too, like everybody else earns more for doing less, I got unlucky its bullshit. I've been slowly ramping up the amount I drink every night, some nights I manage to get through 2 bottles of red before I pass out or make it to bed, when I started opening the second bottle it was kind of like a nightly challenge to finish it and when I buy bulk like I have been to "save money" it's like a challenge and I just drink more and faster, I just keep swallowing it all down until I basically can't anymore. I do not feel the benefit I used to, I don't even think I enjoy it anymore and I cant remember if I ever did to be honest, the warm feeling has turned to a sickly feeling but I still don’t stop. I think I just do it and every time I tell myself to stop I just don't, as if my mind is saying one thing rationally but my body keeps tipping glasses. I wish I had quit alcohol a long time ago.
I don't know what to do.
I do my best for my family and I think I am a good father, I love them so much but then I think to myself if I really loved them then why do I drink so much, I can’t help them if I’m drunk or hungover. My little girl is up at 6am every day lately and I can't handle it, I just ignore her and make my wife look after her, but she's exhausted, I feel even worse on weekends because I drink even more. I feel so terrible that I am not living up the most important thing to me, being a good father. Why haven’t I quit. Why cant I quit? I wish I had quit alcohol a long time ago.
I have a pain, a dull pain most days in my lower right abdomen, I am so worried, I think it has to do with my drinking, but I am too scared to have it checked and I can't stop drinking so maybe it's ok, my blood pressure this week was 140/100, its high and I didn't want to check it but my wife pressured me to do it. I feel like I might be dying, I don't really think that but I tend to catastrophise lately. I want to be the lucky one who just drinks far too much and somehow still lives a long life but I think deep down I know that I won't make it very much past my 50's if I don't change and I definitely won’t be the fit person I see myself as being and who I was. I force myself to train most days but it is such a slog, some days I feel like my heart will explode while I try to make up for my habits by pushing myself to the limit while I exercise. I wish I had quit alcohol a long time ago.
My anxiety is really bad too and I feel like my brain is literally breaking into pieces, the only time it goes away is when I start drinking, my mind is shattering. I think most of my problems are coming from my drinking, I know they are. I wish I had stopped when I planned to last year but I only made it another short break and then it all started again, I can't seem to stop for more than a day or two and its progressing by the month. I am scared that if this continues I will lose something very important to me. I am scared I will be gone and I can't let that happen, I can't leave my family alone, I need to change. I wish I had quit alcohol a long time ago.
I wake up some days and I just feel like if I had an off switch to my life, and I had no responsibilities that I would turn the lights out for good. I don’t feel like I could ever act on these thoughts, at least I don’t think so anyway, but I don’t want to live with the feeling that things are so hard that dying would be a great option. I don’t want to feel that way and I know I shouldn’t, I know alcohol is causing this, I know this is not the real me. I wish I had quit alcohol a long time ago.
I need help.
These are letters representative of me writing to myself in two very different situations but with only one thing separating them, whether I do or do not consume alcohol. Just one difference which sparked all the positive change in my life. This highlights to me the absolute polar difference such a choice can make in lives lived one way or another, with substance or without substance. Thankfully my first letter is the true position I am now in, but the thoughts represented in the second letter are absolutely representative of me at my worst, revisiting them is powerful for me even now.
When you write your letters they absolutely do not have to mirror mine in any way, you may not experience as many negative effects of alcohol, you may experience less or more physical symptoms, less or more emotional symptoms, either way, write these two letters to yourself and let it represent how you think you would feel after a successful year alcohol free and what goals you might achieve and then one in which you remain on the current path and how you might feel a year on in that situation. Be specific and include points about how it would affect those around you, how it would affect your physical and mental health, what the extra money could do for you and everything else.
P.S. Good luck! This is a powerful tool. This can reveal a lot to yourself and if you choose for it to, to your friends and family, but only when you are ready.