Sober Toolbox 7: Accountability
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Accountability
Hello Sobertown,
Creating accountability is a key component to success.
Accountability presents consequences for our actions. Accountability is necessary for us to claim ownership over our actions because without consequences we are far less likely to remain true to our decisions.
Recently I walked into a huge bottle shop. No, I was not there for booze. It happens to be the only place to find the alcohol-free beer I like on occasion. AF drinks are another topic altogether.
I have tested and challenged these locations such as this bottle shop enough to know I am ok to be there without making an unwanted decision, and I have confidence in this.
Still though, strange deep feelings squashed down underneath the weight of my resolve were evident. I looked into the distance at a range of drinks I might have gravitated toward during my drinking career.
For a split second, some form of romanticising occurred in my mind, but only for a split second.
One of the first thoughts which barged in like a lumbering elephant and crushed the notion of buying these drinks and consuming them was the fact that over the past month I have been speaking to this page, to you, the reader, and to Sobertown as a non-drinker and as somebody planning to stay here.
How Accountability Keeps Me Going
This blog, this outlet, is just one form of accountability in my life and in my journey. Had I progressed to more than just a thought and walked over to these drinks, the forms of accountability I employ would become stronger. Had I moved toward the drinks, the thoughts of being a hypocrite here or to my family or anybody else I had discussed my alcohol-free life with would have kicked in with force and like the magnet which used to draw me toward the bottle shop, the strength of accountability for my actions would repel me with even greater strength.
My own primary form of accountability are these very words, creating this content in an attempt to help others in this alcohol-free journey. This is my investment and accountability in my own journey. These words mean that I would be a hypocrite for turning back to alcohol. These words are my accountability.
My other primary form of accountability is my young daughters. I have pledged in front of a community the following.
Today it has been One Year Alcohol-Free.
Today I am who I believe I am supposed to be.
At this juncture, I realise the need for renewed accountability.
I now have two beautiful daughters. One is only 13 days of this world. To both of my girls, I pledge with this community as my witness.
As long as I draw breath, you will never see me drunk.
I will never allow a substance to take one minute from us.
I will give every part of me that is good that I possibly can every single day.
I will continue to work on me, to be the best I can for you.
I will not quit on you ever.
This is my pledge. With all of you as my witness, I am accountable.
I will live up to this one day at a time.
This was my pledge as I reached one year alcohol-free.
I do not take these words lightly. These are big words, and I mean them with all of my being.
This is the ultimate accountability. The thought of breaking such a meaningful pledge to my most beloved girls makes me feel physically ill.
This is EXTREMELY STRONG accountability. This took me a lot of thought, and now it has been pledged I am glad because when thoughts of drinking come in, they are crushed by the notion of breaking my pledge and letting down my girls.
Accountability in Action
Creating accountability does take strength. Creating accountability means there will be repercussions for your actions. Creating accountability is important.
Take this example.
If you have a mortgage on a house, you owe the lender a minimum amount every week or month. You are accountable to the lender, and there are repercussions to your failing to meet the terms of the loan.
When a time comes where you need to make a choice between spending on something or saving to have the money owed to the lender, the accountability you have to meeting the repayments will speak to you, it will reason with you that the loan is very important and that the other spending you were considering will need to wait to ensure you retain good standing with your home loan. This is applicable to any loan, any promise or commitment, and different commitments vary in their importance and in their strength of accountability. Not all commitments are created equal. I generate these articles not only out of a desire to help others find the life we at Sobertown have found, but also for a selfish reason. That is to create a strong accountability to myself and to you the reader, and it is very helpful to my continuing this path.
Another example. You tell your son or daughter you will be there to pick them up from school today. This is important, They mean everything to you. You are now accountable to them. You need to be there. You promised. When the time comes, something else is pressing for your time, work for example. You would usually never pass up the work that you should be doing, but you promised. You are accountable to your child, and they are important to you and so you drop the work, you leave. This choice is accountability in action.
Final example, I promise.
Paul Churchill created the popular Recovery Elevator Podcast partly and self-reportedly as a form of personal accountability in his sobriety. Paul invested deeply and allowed the podcast to be a part of his recovery, and upon listening to earlier episodes, Paul reports having spent in excess of 20 hours per week just on the weekly podcast creation and at this stage there was no monetary reward for doing so, just accountability.
This is one example among many of somebody in recovery creating a huge accountability tool for themselves. Our very own Sobertown Mayor, Drifter, created SobertownPodcast.com to give back, to help others on our path and to piece his soul together and bind it together. And in my eyes, this has been achieved and then some, but there is always more work to do in Sobertown. Our very good friend in creating SobertownPodcast.com, whether it was a primary intent or not, has created accountability through doing so, accountability to you, to me and to every soul who tunes in to hear the stories he presents.
Multiple Forms of Accountability
You can create accountability in your sobriety in many ways, and I would encourage this in multiple forms. The barrier. Fear of failure. This is huge. The fear of committing, creating accountability and then faltering.
Draw strength. You can learn (not fail, learn) and turn back to alcohol after creating accountability, and the world will not end.
Better to have created the accountably and it not been effective than not at all, and you will grow from the experience and likely you will be quicker to return to the path.
If this occurs, keep the accountability tool in place, review what went wrong and why, learn and go again, creating more and more powerful forms of accountability until the repercussions of failure are stronger than the habitual circuitry drawing you back to alcohol. If the draw to alcohol wins, it’s ok, try again, Remember that this circuitry is strong, but it can be broken with tools and repeat attempts, and accountability is a big part of this.
Accountability as a Sober Tool
THE TOOL IS THIS
Create accountability in your life for staying alcohol-free.
Grow and fortify stronger levels of accountability and retain these moving forward.
How can we create accountability in sobriety?
I will detail some examples below.
Before reading this list I should establish that you should bite off chunks of accountability that you can handle. When you overcommit or become too enthusiastic all at once in creating accountability it can be possible to overdo it, to get a little frazzled and attempt to give more than you can at one particular time. So think these through and build them up in a sustainable manner.
That said:
FAMILY. Nothing holds more power than the inherent love for our partner and our children or any member of our family important to us.
It could be a parent, a brother or sister, anybody. Whether they asked for you to live a sober life or they could not care less, you categorically will be a better parent and partner or family member if you do not drink alcohol, I could not be more certain of this.
I feel like there is a chance “normal” drinkers may argue this point with me, but I stand by my belief that even small amounts of alcohol create a disconnect from our family. I don’t have many strong opinions, but this is one I do hold. I believe you simply will be a better and more connected parent and partner alcohol-free.
You may be more annoying occasionally as you flaunt your amazing sobriety and frustrate your children with your newfound sober energy when you want to do endless activities and they just prefer to just chill out, but the net will be a far more connected, positive and loving relationship in most cases. This is the best gift that could be given, the best gift. Create accountability by pledging to your family (even if this pledge is only in your own mind and not verbally to them) that you will be a better parent or partner and stay sober for them.
After listening to many stories, one recurring reason for others to get sober is their kids. Heart-wrenching stories of children finding their parent passed out in a pool of vomit on the bathroom floor and this being the driver for the parent to quit, or having their young child tell them they smell funny or asking why they like that funny drink so much.
Listen to stories and these themes will show up again and again, if they have not indeed in your own life perhaps. These are strong drivers to remain sober and rightly so. If you have kids, nothing could be better for accountability than the desire to be the best parent possible and to be accountable to them. The saddest stories I recall are those where even after these experiences the parent can not yet quit, BUT, ultimately their love for their children does prevail as a stronger force than the incredible strength of force alcohol puts forth to those in the loop of addiction.
Next up is when you PRE-BOOK SERVICES OR APPOINTMENTS, such as paying for a gym membership or a personal trainer. You will be more likely to show up. You paid. You don’t want to let that money be wasted, so you become accountable to the trainer and you become accountable to the money you spent. When you book meetings or commit to attending them you create accountability, and this is amplified by the other attendees who may rely on you to attend and to provide support and receive support.
RELATIONSHIPS in sobriety create fantastic accountability. In alcoholics anonymous, the traditional sponsor/sponsee relationship allows accountability to be created in both directions whereby the sponsor is accountable as the guide and support for the sponsee and the sponsee is accountable to continue their sober path and discuss their days and check in with their sponsor.
Apologies if I hacked that relationship at all to those within the AA community. This relationship does not have to be related to AA, and it does not have to be labelled as a sponsor. You can meet another individual on the sober path and develop a relationship with them. Keeping in close contact, the friendship will have its roots in sobriety and will inherently create accountability to one another, and I know of many cases where one sponsor or one friend of another in sobriety has talked their friend off the ledge so to speak.
There is nothing more powerful than having this caring hand on your shoulder to say, its ok, I know it’s tough today, but you can stay here with us and you don’t have to drink. These actions have saved countless relapses, and some who save others will never even know the power of their actions and words.
Sober relationships create accountability. Begin cultivating pathways as soon as you can in sobriety. Get out of your shell, and you will likely experience the overwhelming positivity and selfless support of sober communities.
On relationships, which is a whole other topic of its own. There will be relationships that you may need to end or to dial down. Most of us have relationships that are based only on the habit which we are leaving behind. Just as it is important to build relationships in sobriety, it may be just as important to limit those which encourage consumption or trigger you.
PAY FOR SERVICES: Firstly, charlatans are everywhere. Do your research, be careful and keep your bullshit detectors on because there are others in this area who will be glad to take your money and provide no tangible service or benefit in return.
With that disclaimer in place, paying for services or products does cultivate a mindset within us which encourages adherence to a task.
There are programs where coaches provide one on one support for a fee. Again, I would approach this carefully, however, if this is something you consider as a good option and can afford the service, then the act of paying for a service does create accountability and drive to maintain and stay the course.
Paying for services does not need to be coaching or other expensive routes. This could simply mean investing in books, paying for fitness classes, buying a soda water machine, kitting yourself out with a super-duper new tea set or coffee machine.
You may be sceptical, however, when the thought of drinking comes around, that $500 coffee machine you bought as a gift to yourself under the pretense that you only get to keep it if you stay sober, yeah, this may have some serious sway, you would be surprised. Please do not take my advice here to be telling you to go out and spend entirely too much money because it will create accountability. Be logical. But the act of paying for items, services or classes relating directly to remaining sober does create accountability.
Get your STORY out there: Share your story with somebody like Drifter on a PODCAST. Drifter, who has created an outlet to the world for us to tell our stories and help others in the process. You can speak deeply, you can omit anything you are not ready to discuss, but being confident enough to put your story out there into the ether creates accountability. Contribute to discussions and sobriety groups and belong to a sobriety group to create accountability.
Be careful. This process of telling your story is something you must be ready for emotionally, and it can take its toll if you are not yet ready. I would suggest being comfortable with who it is you tell and how you tell your story. We are all different. Telling my story, even though I never went into too much depth did knock me around emotionally for a week. But, ultimately, it was a growth experience. Be careful also with who it is you tell your story to or even tell of your sobriety. Choose the right people. Choose trustworthy and supportive people. If you are not comfortable or unsure of somebody and how they will respond, then wait until you are truly ready to tell them.
Telling your story and sharing with others when you are ready creates accountability.
Dedicate to PHYSICAL OR OTHER COMPETITIVE PURSUITS: Find a competition or an event. A walking event, a running event, a cycling event, a swimming event, a chess event, a Lego building event or any competitive or challenging event. I know a man who enjoys dressing up in full medieval attire and attending meets where competitors end up belting the crap out of others in roleplaying events with wooden swords and other semi-safe weapons. It can be anything. Ensure you allow adequate time for safe and effective conditioning. Book it in.
You are now accountable to training and conditioning to perform in this event, and the fear of underperforming alone will create accountability to training which in turn will assist you in your sobriety. Another thing I know for certain, you will achieve higher levels of fitness, performance, motivation and mental concentration when you are sober. So essentially you have a leg up, and anybody drinking creates their own handicap, but unlike drugs or other aids, you are not breaking the rules. You just found the best, safest, legal performance enhancer. It’s called sobriety. Dedicating to competitive pursuits creates accountability.
Start a BUSINESS or VOLUNTEER. You know that idea you had for a long time but never had the motivation to bring to life? Guess what, time and motivation skyrocket when you stop numbing your creativity with ethanol. What better time to begin a business, volunteer or give back in some way than now. And guess what? It creates accountability to the fire crew you volunteer for, to the nice little old lady down the street you promised to visit for a cup of tea every couple of days, to the planning of the homemade cupcake business you want to start, to the homeless shelter you dedicated to help cook for. You see, when you live a sober life you can suddenly reach these goals, and you can give back with the spare love, energy, time and positivity you will create along your journey.
Make a daily PLEDGE to yourself. DO it with intent and focus. Pledge every day, at the start of your day to yourself and to any other person or power you so choose. Think it through with depth and mean it. A daily pledge not to drink creates accountability to yourself and to anybody else or anything else you have pledged to. If you wish to pledge to somebody or something else other than yourself, pledge to your mum, pledge to your cat, pledge to a tree, pledge to your future abs, pledge to the future car you will be able to afford when you stop burning money on alcohol. Pledge to whatever you feel genuinely meaningful. Just mean it. Pledging creates accountability.
Return to your WHY, to THE COST and to YOUR LETTER TO YOUR FUTURE SELF every day or at least most days. I will generate an article on your why/cost/letter in the near future. These are common techniques in sobriety especially in planning and quitting and the early milestones. If you understand these concepts or tools already, then return to them and re-read them back regularly to refresh the power of these tools with great frequency. Always remind yourself. This creates accountability to yourself and your future self. These are useful tools and they require their own toolbox article so I will expand on these asap.
Find a MEDICAL DOCTOR whom you trust and who is supportive and knowledgeable in addiction and the effects of chronic alcohol use. You need to feel comfortable with them, and they need to understand. This is vital, if not, perhaps a different doctor who will support the journey to sobriety would be better.
Have the testing and have a discussion with them about your struggles. If any medical concerns arise then this is not good, however, it is best you know of them rather than continue to dismiss or ignore them. I did this. I wish I had not. Plan with the doctor how to treat them. One of these methods will obviously be abstaining from alcohol. This makes you accountable to your doctor and to your body and medical symptoms. If no medical conditions exist, great, what better time to keep this from being the case because it will, it is a matter of time. Create a plan with your doctor and if they suggest to do so, rebook an appointment to check in with them at a reasonable interval. Again this is creating accountability.
Set personal GOALS. This could be fitness, it could be financial, it could be relationships, it could be anything. Set meaningful and achievable goals. Put time frames on them and as always, write them down. Have these goals provide challenge, things you will likely not achieve without sobriety. Remain accountable to these goals.
DISCUSS with your loved ones what you need from them so they can hold you accountable rather than enable you. Explain that there is a good chance you will come to them at some stage and say you think you would like to drink, that you think it is ok now and that tonight you just want to have a drink. Explain that when you come to them with this or any other similar story that they absolutely need to remind you that it is not worth it, that you do not really want that and to try to tough out the craving, to use your tools and that the craving will pass. Make it very clear to them that when you come to them, you may seem sincere that this is ok and this is what you want but that it is a lie and you need their support and help to remind you to stay the course. Some do not have a supportive partner, this difficult but it’s ok, if your closest are more likely to enable you or agree you should drink I would recommend reaching out further and try to find this support elsewhere and lean on this support or assistance when the day comes that you start to trick yourself into thinking it is ok. Teaching your loved ones to know how to deal with you when you come to them with this irrationality is enforcing and amplifying the accountability of relationships.
There are so many ways to create accountability in your sobriety, you can likely think of these plus so many more specifically relating to your own life. Create accountability early and create it in ways you can sustain and ways that encourage support. Bite of what you can chew and no more, but do take that bite.
Ok Sobertown, that would be enough rambling from me today.
Remember, you are not alone, do not forget this, you are not alone.
The Sobertown Blog articles and recordings are created as a means of assisting others in achieving and maintaining freedom from alcohol. Experiences, entries, research and article content are that of the author/s and should be applied in a safe manner, where/when relevant, with medical oversight. This is not medical advice.
